Our Primitive Response
Last night I lay awake, unable to convince my body that 3:00am is in fact “late”, and past the average person’s bedtime. Maybe it was the Energizer Bunny taking my never-ending to-do list for yet another victory lap through my mind (I have truly been conquered), or excitement over the history that was made this morning as Barack Obama was sworn in. On the other hand, maybe it was the caffeine I foolishly ingested at 6:00pm coursing through my veins. Scratch that; it was the fact that due to my inverted sleep cycle my body processed 6:00pm as 11:00am, therefore allowing me to drink my coffee without a second thought.
As I lay there attempting to sort out this from that, up from down, 6:00pm from 11:00am… three thoughts crossed my mind. Two of them I decided to save for later, but one remained.
I had quite an outburst the other night. Four-letter words flew like bats out of a cave before I knew what I was saying or why. I’d love to excuse my words as hasty and unwarranted, claiming I “said things I didn’t mean”, but the truth is the opposite. I meant what I said (the things I can remember, anyway). Yes, I do feel used. No, I don’t feel like you give a shit. Now, before we go forward pointing fingers and making accusations… I recognize that a good portion of this mess is my fault. I dug myself a hole, invested my time and my emotions of my own volition. I didn’t take the easy road. I chose to give despite the fact that I received little in return.
While I don’t regret the things I said, I do regret the manner in which I said them. I was angry, but because I was hurt. There’s something about the pain we experience when we feel wronged, where the first instinct is to throw up a wall in self-defense, to stop the bleeding, to try and salvage some of that which was lost. Sometimes there seems to be nothing more assuaging than to hurt back. We respond primitively; like injured animals, we snap at anyone who tries to touch us where it hurts. But the truth is that injuring the one who injures us only feeds the cycle, and creates more anger and pain in return.
I’ve been wounded.
I’m terribly angry.
But I truly am sorry for the impertinent blows I dealt you concerning a certain third-party (I’m sure you’re aware of that which I’m referring to). And I’m hoping that as always, the roadblocks of the past lead to new paths in the future.
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized
